Thanos snapped and half of all life turned to dust in an instant. The chaos that would ensue is the closest thing that I can think of to describe deconstructing from a bible cult. There is a moment, a snap of a finger, when the scales fall from your eyes and you realize to your very core that you were duped. For some, I know it is debilitating. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. I know some people actually never recover.
I remember weeping uncontrollably on and off for weeks. Sometimes screaming. The death of your god is a very real loss that you grieve. The process takes time. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. It took me two years.
I remember the denial phase. It was pre-snap. For me it was, "OK, this cult is wrong but that doesn't mean there is no god." It would be a few more months of studying Christian apologetics in an attempt to sure up my waning faith before the snap arrived. When the snap did arrive, I immediately began cycling violently between anger and depression. I never experienced a deeper sorrow in my life. I now know a "broken heart" is a real thing.
For the next few months, I became a devout anti-theist. This phase almost wrecked my marriage. Taking a very clinical, rational and scientific approach gave me all the validation I needed for my fiery indignation. My world was obliterated and so should everyone else's!
Thankfully, I came across the writings of an x-mega pastor, Jim Palmer, who put years of thought into helping others deconstruct from faith. His loving approach helped me to realize my anti-theist approach was unsustainable. I was simply taking the binary, black and white, (non)thinking I was programmed to operate from in the cult and applying it to my new "enlightened" position.
I finally came to accept the new reality I found myself in but also to accept everyone else's realities. Some people really are genuinely happy in cults. I know because I was happy. I also will always remember the brutal pain and despair that comes with the snap. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone and I have no right to push someone into it. What I can do is simply be there for others that voluntarily enter into the process leading to their snap.
I now realize there is a near infinite spectrum of faith/reason combinations, unique to every single one of us. It's not about who is right or what is TRUTH. You can try and make it that but it will only be sustainable between your own two ears, if that even. No, truth is not what is most important. Compassion is. Empathy. Or call it Love.
I think, for awhile, I sought to give Jesus some sort of quarter in my life. I agree, he can be relevant even in the life of a Christian turned atheist. But for me, I can't pretend the protagonist in an epic hero novel deserves space over any other who is supposed to represent me in the story.
The second problem I have with Jesus is the accumulated mass of human suffering over two millenia in his name. I know it's not his fault (especially if he never existed on so many levels) but it still kills the product for me.
Today, I find myself far more excited and motivated by modern hero creations relevant to modern man. What would Jesus do if he could be brought to life in this age; given an apartment outside Columbus Ohio and given a job delivering packages for Amazon? I think he would drink Michelob Ultra at karaoke bars every Friday night. His friends would call him Brian. And at the end of Avengers:Endgame, he would lean in to whisper to his kids in the darkness of the theatre, "Iron man did it way better than I ever could."
